Weeeeird

I was going to do one post on two different topics but I opted to stick with one. It's a mixture of mystery, intrigue and paranoia. Enjoy!


So I've been commuting 52 miles one way, for a total of 104 miles round trip, to get to and from work everyday for about... four months now. For the most part, the people driving around me are strangers. But I've started to recognize a couple of regular fellow commuters. There's one gold Camry with a bumper sticker that says "Driver carries no cash. HE'S MARRIED." which makes me chuckle pretty much every time I see it. 


But there's this silver Toyota pickup truck (A Tundra, I think?) that I've passed on a regular basis. He's always going slower than the rest of the traffic but he's always in the slow lane so it doesn't generally bother me. The first time I remember passing him, he had his emergency flashers on. I assumed he had on a spare tire or was having some other car trouble, so I signaled and moved around him and didn't think much of it. But the next time I remember seeing him, the traffic was a little bit heavier and so I spent some time behind him for a while. Weird thing is, he'd put his emergency flashers on for a minute, maybe less, and then turn them off. And then a little while later, he'd do it again. 


I've now been behind, or around this guy several times and he does it every morning. Today though, before I even got to the highway, I was on our street, which runs perpendicular, all the way to the highway. I pulled up to a stop light, just down the street from our home, behind a silver Toyota pickup. I was singing Michael Buble quite loudly and not really paying attention yet when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, the truck turned on his emergency flashers for a couple of seconds and then turned them off! The weirdo flasher truck guy must live near me! Then, I thought, what if he lives at our apartment complex? Whoa. I mean, not that over using your emergency flashers automatically makes you a creeper but there's something strange about it. 


Is there some emergency flasher signal that I just wasn't informed about? Does he have a radar detector or something and is trying to warn his fellow drivers that there's a cop in the area? Is he trying to get my attention? Maybe he recognizes me too. I mean, my car is pretty distinguishable. It's ghetto, rusting, falling apart and has Superman stickers on both sides of the backdoor windows. I have absolutely no idea why he does this and it really gets my goat! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?


Luckily, I'm a habitual lead foot and he seems to be the slowest vehicle on the freeway so as soon as he's out of my sight, Michael Buble's lovely melodies take over again and all is well. Until tomorrow when I see him again.

The Disillusion Part

A friend told me today that I shouldn't be upset that I won't have a cute baby bump when I get pregnant (because I'm overweight) and that I shouldn't be disappointed that I can't afford the bedding sets that I go crazy over. She said that pregnancy (along with infancy) is just a blip on the radar of life. Just like a wedding is over and done in a day and then you have a lifetime of marriage to embrace. She meant well when she said it. She meant it to be a comfort. A "you don't need those things to be awesome" kind of a speech.

But the truth is, I AM disappointed. I don't aim to have some amazing career. I don't want to be famous or rich. (Although the rich part wouldn't be a BAD thing.) I don't want to be a best selling novelist. Or an award wining journalist. I just want to be a mom.

I know. I am a mom. Check that off the list, right? Kinda. Sorta. See, when I used to dream about becoming a mom, I certainly didn't dream about getting pregnant in college, moving home with my parents and finishing school as a single mom. Would I trade that experience? Not for a lifetime of re-dos. But my life has changed since then. I'm married now and we have a chance to do this family thing the right way. So I saw it almost as a second chance. If Hubson hadn't come along it would still just be Banana and Me. But here I have this chance. My dream to grow a family the right way was reborn.


But I'm also never going to have an adorable baby bump. There's no way that we can afford to design a nursery the way I've always seen it in my mind. I have diamond dreams on a hand-me-down budget. Sure, there are things I can do to recreate my dream nursery on a budget. That's not really where I'm going with this.

What bothers me is this feeling that my dream is less important than some other loftier dreams.

"So you can't afford expensive crib bedding and you wont look like a pregnant super model? Boo hoo. Somewhere someone got fired from a REAL job. Now THAT is having your dreams shot to pieces. Somewhere that person that got fired can no longer provide for their family and you're upset because you have to buy baby supplies at Walmart instead of Macy's. You poor thing."

I suppose that in the grand scheme of dreams and accomplishments, there must be a hierarchy. But what's relative is how it feels. Not having a cute baby bump and not being able to afford my dream nursery feels to me like I've failed. Like somewhere along the way, I dug this grave and now it's time to lie in it whether I like it or not. It feels like my dreams were torn from my hands and while my dreams may not be those of scholars and athletes and celebrities, they were MY dreams. And it hurts. It makes me feel empty and hollow. And if that's how I feel, who are you or anyone else to tell me I'm wrong? And that I should get over it?

When a dream dies or doesn't work out the way you hoped it would, it hurts. It doesn't matter what the dream or who the dreamer is. It hurts. It's not fair to judge the dreamer or the dream.

Influences

I've been avoiding the questions on the list that require in depth answers or that ask for more than 5 things. But I guess, today, I feel adventurous. I'm going with number nine: List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. Before I get started, this is a list of people. I know a lot of people. I know a lot more than 10 people. So chances are you won't make this list. But just because you don't make the list doesn't mean you haven't influenced me in one way or another. If you're reading this, you love me enough to click the link and take an interest in what I have to say and if you take an interest in what I say, chances are you're someone I care about dearly. So hold on to that.


Here goes nothing!


In no particular order...


1) My folks- is this a cop out answer? Probably. But I thought I'd start with an easy one. Really though, how haven't my parents influenced me? My Mom has had an influence on everything from clothing choices to college choices. My Dad has guided me in lots of ways too. Let's just say, I wouldn't be who I am (for better or worse) without them both.


2) My girls- Megan, Robin, Holly and Mary. These girls are serious lifesavers. I've called on them for every kind of advice imaginable: financial, baby, school, teaching, work, relationship, marriage, emotional. You name it. And they're always there for me. They're all hard-working, successful, beautiful, fit, smart and talented ladies and I've learned so much from them it's incredible.


3) Julie- We have our ups and downs, Julie and I, but what we figured out is that it's because we're not friends. We're sisters. Sure, there's a bit of sibling rivalry there but in the end the bond hold strong through it all. I also call on Julie for all kinds of advice. She's particularly good at giving me objective, emotion-free, logic-full advice which is really helpful considering I'm an emotionally driven individual. Plus, she's not afraid to tell me I'm being ridiculous or that I'm out of line. You need a friend like that. They keep your grounded.


4) Isaac- Oh, Isaac. Isaac is a great mix of passion and methodology. When I need someone to squee with me over something silly, I have Isaac. When I need clear, thoughtful, insightful advice, I have Isaac. When I need to have the pants scared off of me by a good horror movie, I have Isaac. He's one of a kind and the kind of person you thank your lucky stars that your paths crossed.


5) Sunny- Sunny is all the things I wish my mother could have been and wasn't. And she's introduced me to more things, ideas, concepts, lifestyles and recipes than I ever imagined I'd know about. She's also there to guide me in all things personal and, now, professional too! Sunny is the one I give credit to for helping me get my new job. Which I ADORE. 


6) Amanda- We went to high school together. I idolized her in high school. I wanted to BE her in high school. She was (and IS) beautiful. She was popular. She was a cheerleader. She was the perfect height, the perfect weight and had perfect hair. Unfortunately, in high school, while I wasn't short on number of friends, I was a giant, generally unattractive and awkward dork. So while Amanda and I were frequently around each other (same programs and since I was in drill team we were always at the same sport functions), we weren't what I would call friends. BUT! For those who say that people cannot change, Amanda is a walking example of that adage being completely untrue. These days, Amanda and I have reconnected. She has taught me that even when things are at their bleakest, there's always lilies to look for. And even back when we were not the best of friends, she taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, to not take criticism too seriously and to always put mascara on my bottom lashes even if beauty magazines say my eyes will look bigger if I only put it on top.


7) Hubson- Duh. Hubson is a bit of an anomaly for me. He doesn't treat me like crap. He doesn't belittle me and hurt my self-esteem. He didn't knock me up and then run away never to be heard from again. He's not a deadbeat. And while I still struggle with feeling like crap, thinking I'm ugly and just generally feeling bad about myself, he does his damnedest to show me how untrue those feelings are. He tells me that I'm beautiful regularly. He encourages me on my crazy ideas (like crafting! Whaaaaat?!?). He supports me in every way you can imagine. I couldn't ask for a better life partner. 


Alright. I'm calling that the list of ten. Hey! I had my folks (That's two people!) on number one and my girlfriends (That's four more people!) on number two. If you count them all individually, that's MORE then ten. So :P You'll just have to deal with it. 


Who influences you most? I want to know. :)


The List

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

What is your dream job?

I love my current job. I work as a receptionist at a retirement home/nursing facility. If you asked me, personally, I'd tell you that I think I'm perfect for the job. I have a bubbly and generally likable personality. I work well with others. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I love helping people. I get to do all those things in my position and I absolutely love it. I get compliments all the time, even from complete strangers on the phone. Twice today alone, two people told me that it was so nice to hear a friendly voice over the phone. I appreciate the little compliments. I know they'll never be heard by my bosses but I'd like to think that if other people notice it, they do too. 


Is it my dream job? I don't know. If you had asked me before college what I aspired to be, receptionist wouldn't have made the list. I'm not sure many people dream of being a receptionist. Honestly speaking, it doesn't take a lot of skill. Typing, alphabetizing, and basic math are the skills you need to be successful. But the top skill is really communication. When you're the sole boundary between the outside world and the staff and residents inside, it's important that you relay between the two efficiently.  But beyond that, it's not much to master in the grand scheme of things. But I really, really do love being here. 


I had an eye-opening conversation today though that made me really reevaluate what I do here. I've really enjoyed getting to know my residents over the last couple of months. But it was brought to my attention that this is my JOB and the residents are NOT my family, however close I feel to them, and that I really need to "keep those professional boundaries tight." It made me really sad that I could be penalized at work for what is essentially caring too much, for getting too personal. It breaks my heart  that we live in a world that thinks remaining stoic with customers/clients/everyone is the way things should be. "Back in the day," your grocer knew that your son and daughter-in-law were expecting their first child. Your dentist knew that you'd planted three acres of potatoes. Your neighbors knew that your mother was suffering with cancer. Everyone knew everyone else and when you needed a shoulder to lean on, you had a whole town to run to. That's not to say there weren't problems with that way of life either. But what happened to common courtesy and caring? What's wrong with being genuinely concerned for others and actually interested in how they're doing and feeling? 


I'm not sure I really have a dream job anymore. I think, no matter what I'm doing or where I'm working, there's always going to be issues like this. One of my resident's wife was a travel writer. He told me how they were practically overwhelmed with free trips all over the world in exchange for favorable reviews in popular travel guides and magazines. I like writing and I love traveling. So I think maybe if I had to pick something, that would be ideal. 

The List


1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.