I was actually surprised when my sister's death wasn't the first thing to pop into my mind. She's been gone 495 days and everyday since feels like it happened that morning. I'm not exaggerating. When I think about it, it feels the same way it did the night my brother called me and told me she'd died.
"We're down a sister," he said.
It didn't take but a millisecond for me to comprehend the meaning of his statement. My heart seized. Every muscle tensed. My whole body heaved with my sobs.
My sister was 24 years old. She had graduated six month earlier with her Doctorate in Pharmacy. She'd been participating in an internship at a big Tulsa hospital. By most standards, she was an extremely smart, talented, driven young woman. She certainly put my accomplishments to shame.
But she'd struggled with depression since 8th grade. She'd been off and on different medicines since that time and had finally found one that worked really well for her. Then the generic version came out and her insurance auto-filled, like most do, with the generic instead of the name brand she had been on.
We didn't find out until after she died, from her Pharmacy director at the hospital, that generic drugs only have to be 75% as effective as their brand name counterparts. And that the only ingredient that has to be the same is the active ingredient. All the "inactive" ones that make your pills blue or pink, or gel caps or slow release, all of those ingredients can be changed.
My sister, the night before she killed her self, had been on several blogs and found that many patients who had switched from the brand name to the generic were having issues. She called and told my mom about her findings and my mom told her to call the doctor, first thing the next morning, to request that the prescription be changed to brand name only. It's a little check box on your doctor's prescription pad. All they have to do is check it and the pharmacy has to fill it with the brand name. You'll pay a higher price but how can you put a price tag on a life?
My sister never made the call to the doctor. She made a phone call to my mom at 7:15am the following morning, which my mom missed because she was still asleep, and then didn't show up to work. Her pharmacy director, concerned about her and knowing that she was not the kind of person to not show up to work without calling, went to her apartment to check on her. He noted that her car was in the parking lot but that there was no answer at the door, nor on her cell phone. He called the police. They entered her apartment and found her there.
She left no note.
The Pharmacy Director said that when a suicide is chemically induced, that a person isn't in their "right mind." He said that they can't think clearly and can't plan ahead, hence the absence of the note. I have to believe this. I have no choice. Otherwise, I have no idea what to believe was going through my sister's head.
495 days later, I still struggle. I bought her car and drive it everyday. It has Superman stickers on the windows and there's a homemade (and hand-decorated) CD in the player titled "Tongue Piercing Mix." I tried to play it but it's so beat up and scratched it skips badly. I hear songs on the radio that either remind me of her or were songs we used to sing at the top of our lungs in perfect harmony.
I miss her so much my heart literally hurts. What's the hardest thing I've ever experienced? Being unable to save my sister.
The List
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
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